Already dead

Why every day is a gift

I started 2025 with a flurry of activity: YouTube videos, articles for Fstoppers, and dozens of new Substack subscribers. Things were looking good. Until they weren’t.

Summer storm in the Dotonburi, Osaka. Ricoh GRIII.

Why am I so tired?

In late January I was sick for a couple of days, no big deal. But following this was an odd period of a couple of weeks where I had no energy. I’m used to walking 10,000-12,000 steps a day, but I could barely walk from one end of the house to the other without having to sit or lie down.

I went to the doc in mid-February and he said I was probably taking a bit longer to get over my recent illness.

Photography? YouTube videos? They were the furthest thing from my mind. I tried to mow the lawn one afternoon, it almost killed me. I came inside sweating profusely, with my heart beating out of my chest, gasping for a drink. It wasn’t just that - I could hear and feel my pulse in my neck and head, and it seemed much faster than normal.

Slowly other symptoms appeared: I lost 9kg (20lbs) in 3 weeks, I experienced odd hand tremors, my voice was hoarse, and I could no longer call the dog in the silly high-pitched voice like I usually did.

Ten days later I returned to the docs again. The nurse took my pulse and did an ECG. Then she took my pulse again to make sure it was right. Usually around 60, it was 98. The doc sent me straight to hospital.

Finally, the diagnosis

I figured it was just a routine check and I should be finished by the time I needed to attend an event at my daughter’s school that afternoon. I figured wrong.

One of the emergency doctors told me I’d be staying the night for observation. We ran through my symptoms and he told me my thyroid levels were “off the charts” and I had Graves’ Disease. Untreated, this could lead to a thyroid storm and cause a heart attack or stroke, so they were keeping me in while I started medication.

At this stage of the story, I have to tell you that compared to many other illnesses, thyroid issues generally can be treated very well. I’m not trying to exaggerate how serious this condition is, when other people I know have faced far worse health issues.

I’m very grateful for the excellent hospitals we have in Australia, even if the catering was a little ‘ho hum’.

Is this the end?

Nevertheless, as I lay there in a bed in the emergency ward, with an old man opposite me dying, my thoughts ran away with me.

What if I had a thyroid storm? Was this the end? Who would look after my family? And of course the inevitable, what would happen to my cameras? Would my wife sell them for $5 each in a garage sale? Who would ever see the thousands of photos that I’m proud of, buried on my hard drives? Was it all for nothing?

I pondered these questions during a restless night. When they discharged me the next day, I marvelled at how wonderful our hosptials are: my 28 hour stay didn’t cost a cent. The only thing I had to pay for was 2 bottles of pills costing $40AUD ($25USD).

The art of the good life

Following this experience, I remembered a book called ‘The art of the good life’ by Rolf Dobelli. I bought it a few years ago in Denpasar Airport in Indonesia, and started reading it on the flight across the Bali Strait to Yogyakarta.

In the opening chapter, Dobelli describes how he once joined a monastary. Every meal time, the monks had to open up a small black box resembling a casket to retreive a neatly bundled knife and fork. The message? ‘You’re basically already dead, and everything that follows is a gift.’

Morbid though it might be, it’s a wonderful realisation. Our time is finite, one day it will be over. Every time you have a near miss, or overcome something, it’s almost as if you’re living on borrowed time. How will this change how you approach life?

So, what now?

It’s been 4 weeks since I was discharged and I’m feeling better. Energy levels have returned to about 75% and some of my symptoms have disappeared. I have a photography trip to Japan lined up for May, so I’m hoping I will improve even more before I go. The only thing that’s been preventing me from shooting another video is my hoarse voice.

On the photography front, I’ve decided I need to:

• sell gear I don’t need

• enjoy and be grateful for the gear I have

• curate my travel photos better

• organise our family photos better

• give my family a list of photographer friends who could help with valuing my gear should I ‘check out early’.

As a creative person, it’s an odd thing to have 2 months fly by with little to show for it. I’m hoping the rest of my 2025 makes up for it.

On top of all that, as you may have read in Lucy Lumen’s excellent Substack, in early March we had a cyclone come through South East Queensand for the first time in 50 years.

That’s it for this time, regular photography writing will resume next time.

Cheers

Matt